On familiar patterns, old expectations, and the discomfort of doing things differently.
9-minute read
Have you ever looked back at your relationships and wondered why you keep ending up in similar situations?
Maybe you keep finding yourself with people who aren't emotionally available, or you're always the one putting in more effort. Perhaps you tend to lose yourself in relationships, struggle to trust your partner, or find yourself having the same arguments over and over again.
Although we often notice these patterns in romantic relationships, they can also show up in friendships, family relationships, and even at work.
You might recognize the similarities early on, but tell yourself, "This person is different," or "I should give them the benefit of the doubt." Other times, you don't notice what's happening until you're well into the relationship.
Even when the people you choose really are different, you may still end up feeling or behaving much the same way.
It's particularly frustrating when you've already thought about what went wrong in previous relationships. You know what you don't want. You've promised yourself you'll handle things differently. Maybe you've even talked about these patterns in therapy.
So why do they keep happening?
When I talk with people about their relationships in therapy, we often end up looking at experiences that happened long before they started dating. Not because everything can be traced back to childhood, but because so much of what we learn about relationships happens before we're old enough to realize we're learning anything at all.
We grow up watching how people express affection, handle disagreements, and respond when someone gets upset. Along the way, we develop expectations about what relationships should look like, what we can ask of others, and what we need to do to maintain closeness.
Over time, these experiences can influence who we're drawn to, what we're willing to accept, and how we behave in relationships, often without us realizing it.
When familiar feels comfortable
Think about what relationships looked like in your family growing up.
Your parents may have argued frequently but never talked about what happened afterward. Perhaps one parent made most of the decisions while the other went along with things to keep the peace. In some families, everyone was involved in everyone else's business, and having privacy or making independent decisions wasn't encouraged.
Growing up, you don't necessarily question these things. It's simply how relationships work in your world.
Years later, you may find yourself recreating some of those same dynamics.
If you were the person who kept the peace or anticipated everyone's needs, you might find yourself in relationships where you're once again the one making adjustments, managing other people's feelings, or putting your needs aside.
You may feel frustrated or unappreciated, but there's something familiar about knowing exactly what's expected of you.
When someone encourages you to express your needs or doesn't expect you to take care of everything, you might not quite know what to do with that.
This doesn't mean we're destined to repeat our parents' relationships. But our experiences can shape what closeness feels like to us and what we expect relationships to require.
The relationships that feel most natural are sometimes the ones where we already know how to play our part, even if that part leaves us unhappy.
Hoping for a different ending
Familiar relationship dynamics can also draw us in because we're hoping that this time, things will turn out differently.
Imagine growing up with a parent who was very critical. No matter how well you did, there always seemed to be something you could have done better. You spent years trying to make them proud, hoping that eventually you'd feel accepted.
Over time, you may have come to believe that love and approval were things you had to earn.
As an adult, you might find yourself especially invested in partners who are difficult to please, inconsistent with their affection, or unsure about you.
You work hard to make the relationship successful. You try to be understanding, make adjustments, and overlook things that bother you because you see their potential. When they finally acknowledge your efforts or make you feel important, it means an enormous amount.
You may not connect any of this to your childhood. You just know that you really want the relationship to work, even when you're putting in far more effort than the other person.
Without realizing it, we can become invested in what it would mean about us if the relationship finally worked out. If this person, who's been so difficult to reach or please, finally chooses us, perhaps we'll feel that we're lovable, that we're enough, or that we were worth the effort all along.
If they don't, it can feel like confirmation of something we've been afraid of believing about ourselves for a long time.
Walking away can mean giving up on more than the relationship. It may also mean letting go of the hope that we'll finally get the love or approval we've wanted for so long.
Of course, relationships take work, and effort can lead to meaningful changes. But it's worth considering whether you're working with someone to build a relationship you both want, or whether you've become caught up in trying to convince someone that you're worth loving.
When we repeat what we grew up seeing
Not all relationship patterns involve the people we're attracted to. They can also show up in how we behave.
You may have grown up listening to your parents yell at each other and promised yourself you'd never have a relationship like that. Yet now, when you're frustrated with your partner, you hear yourself raising your voice or saying things you regret.
Afterward, you wonder, "How did I end up doing the very thing I hated growing up?"
Or perhaps you watched one parent take care of everyone else's needs while rarely asking for anything in return. You remember how exhausted and resentful they seemed. Yet now you're the one managing everything in your relationship and feeling frustrated that your partner doesn't seem to notice how much you're carrying.
We learn a great deal about relationships simply by watching the people around us. When emotions run high, it's easy to fall back on responses we've known for years.
You may genuinely believe that yelling is hurtful and still struggle to communicate differently when you're angry. You may recognize that taking responsibility for everything creates resentment and still feel uncomfortable asking for help.
Knowing that something isn't working doesn't automatically mean you know what to do instead.
These patterns aren't limited to romantic relationships, either. You might notice yourself taking on the same role with friends, family members, or colleagues.
When we try so hard to be different that we go too far
Other times, we're so determined not to repeat what we experienced growing up that we end up going too far in the opposite direction.
Growing up with controlling parents, for example, might leave you fiercely independent and uncomfortable with compromise. A partner asking you to consider their preferences may feel like they're trying to limit your freedom.
Someone who grew up around constant arguments might avoid disagreements altogether. You tell yourself certain things aren't worth bringing up, but eventually become resentful because your needs rarely get expressed.
In both situations, the desire to do things differently makes sense. You remember what those experiences felt like, and you don't want to go through them again.
The difficulty is that knowing what you don't want doesn't necessarily teach you what a healthier alternative looks like.
If you've never seen two people disagree without hurting each other, how would you know what that looks like? If closeness always meant giving up your independence, how would you know how to be close to someone while maintaining a sense of yourself?
You do what seems most different from what you experienced, hoping that will lead to something better. At times, it does. At others, you end up struggling with a different version of the same problem.
Learning another way often means figuring out what exists between those extremes.
Why changing a familiar pattern can feel so uncomfortable
One of the more surprising things people discover when they start changing relationship patterns is that doing something healthier doesn't always feel better, at least not right away.
Imagine you've spent years being the person who keeps everyone happy. You're used to anticipating what others need and avoiding conversations that might upset someone.
You've started noticing how much resentment this creates, so you tell your partner you'd like them to take on more responsibility at home.
They agree. Maybe they even seem perfectly fine with the conversation.
But afterward, you're uncomfortable. You wonder whether you sounded demanding. You think about checking to make sure they aren't upset. Part of you wishes you'd just handled things yourself.
Nothing particularly bad happened, but doing something different still feels wrong.
A similar experience can happen when you begin dating people who are different from those you've typically chosen. Someone who communicates consistently, follows through on plans, and is clear about their interest may not create the same excitement you're accustomed to feeling with more unpredictable partners.
You appreciate those qualities, but still wonder whether something is missing.
Certain experiences can become so familiar in relationships that their absence feels strange.
The discomfort can be just as confusing when we're the ones trying to behave differently.
You finally speak up or set a boundary, but afterward you question whether you should have done it at all. You might apologize for bringing something up, take over a responsibility you'd agreed to share, or reach out to someone you'd decided to stop pursuing.
It's tempting to return to what feels familiar, even when you know it wasn't working.
Changing these patterns often means learning to tolerate feelings we've spent years trying to avoid. If you're used to keeping people happy, you may need to become more comfortable with someone being disappointed in you. If you're accustomed to handling everything yourself, you may need to allow someone else to take responsibility.
Guilt might feel like evidence that we've done something selfish, or uncertainty might seem like a sign that the relationship isn't right.
Of course, discomfort can tell us something important. It may signal that our needs aren't being met or that something about a relationship isn't working.
At other times, we're uncomfortable because we're doing something we simply aren't used to.
Learning to tell the difference takes time.
Recognizing the pattern and doing something different
When people look back at their relationships, they often focus on what their partners had in common. It's also worth considering what happens once they're in the relationship.
What do you do when you feel hurt or disappointed? Do you speak up, withdraw, try harder, or convince yourself that something isn't worth bringing up?
What are you hoping will happen when you respond that way?
You might stay quiet to avoid an argument, work harder because you're afraid someone will lose interest, or pull away before they have an opportunity to hurt you.
These responses often make sense when we understand what we're trying to protect ourselves from. They may be reasonable responses to difficult circumstances, or they may keep us participating in patterns that leave us unhappy.
Recognizing this gives us an opportunity to make different choices.
That might mean expressing a concern before resentment builds, allowing someone to be disappointed without immediately trying to fix it, or paying more attention to how consistently someone shows up rather than how intensely you feel drawn to them.
It takes practice, and we don't always get it right. Someone who's always been accommodating may initially become too rigid when learning to set boundaries. Someone who's avoided conflict may struggle to find the balance between speaking up and becoming confrontational.
Relationships also involve two people. We can work on our own patterns and communicate more clearly, but we can't make another person respond differently.
Changing a pattern may mean learning how to participate differently in a relationship. It may also mean recognizing that a particular relationship isn't one we want to continue.
The more aware we become of what we're doing, what we're expecting, and what we're willing to accept, the more choices we have about how we relate to others.
Over time, the kinds of relationships that once felt unfamiliar may begin to feel more comfortable.
Questions to reflect on
If you've noticed similar patterns showing up in your relationships, here are a few questions worth considering:
When I look back at my relationships, what patterns do I notice in the people I choose or the roles I take on?
What did I learn about relationships growing up that I may still be carrying with me?
Am I repeating something familiar, or am I so determined to avoid it that I've gone to the opposite extreme?
When I try to do something differently, what feels uncomfortable, and how do I usually respond?
Continue the conversation
If you keep finding yourself in similar relationship patterns, therapy can offer a space to explore what makes those patterns so difficult to change.
In individual therapy, we can look at how earlier experiences shaped your expectations, how those expectations show up in your relationships today, and what happens when you try to respond differently.
Group therapy offers another opportunity. The patterns you've been reading about may emerge in your interactions with other group members. You might notice yourself holding back because you're worried about what others think, feeling responsible when someone becomes upset, or struggling to disagree.
Within the group, you can explore what's happening, hear how others experience you, and practice responding differently in a supportive setting.
My From Family Patterns to Healthy Relationships process group is designed to help adults explore these experiences and begin making meaningful changes in how they relate to others.
Whether through individual or group therapy, the work involves more than understanding where our patterns came from. It also means learning to do something different, even when it feels uncomfortable.
If you're interested in exploring these patterns in your own life, I invite you to schedule a consultation to discuss which approach might be a good fit.